Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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