There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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