Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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