I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
