Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
