If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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