Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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