what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
