and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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