She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
