9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
