i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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