I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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