She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
