woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
