Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
