I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
