Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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