my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
