I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The Olympian is in my bed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
