Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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