Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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