Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
