I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
