he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
