Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
