I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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