Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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