you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
there is glitter all over my balls
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