When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
