is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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