the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
