I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
