I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
