I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
