I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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