Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh god it's open bar.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
