I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did I show you my penis last night?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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