I wanna bring you to show and tell
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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