i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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