how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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