btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
