So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
