I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I cut my penus on the lid.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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