Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
being pregnant is like rehab
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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