the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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