either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
