I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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