Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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