We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
