I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
