God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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