so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize