oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
