omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
