i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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