I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize