A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
