update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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