I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
