Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
