just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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