I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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