She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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