My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
