Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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